(tip: don't try these if you're not willing to risk being beaten up)

1. Poke the person next to you repeatedly with your fork. If they try to retaliate, curl into a ball and start crying for your mother.

2. This only works if the person has their back to you. Select a single strand of hair from the person's head and pull gently. When they reach up to touch their hair or try to turn around, look at the ceiling or pretend to read the menu. Repeat constantly.

3. Tap your fingernails on the table top, ignoring any evil stares that come your way. (This works anywhere, not just restaurants.)

4. Hug yourself and rock backwards and forwards in your seat whilst muttering incoherantly. This will not only completely embarrass those at your table, it is also extremely annoying.

5. Help yourself to other people's meals. If they complain, pretend to stick your fingers down your throat and ask them if they'd like their food back.

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.

5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.

11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.

REAL STORIES OF THE NON-TECHNICAL

    I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.  The person whoanswered said, "Bob is on vacation.  Would you like to hold?"

    I worked with an individual who plugged theirpower strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why theircomputer would not turn on.

"Do you know anythingabout this fax-machine?"

"A little.  What'swrong?"

"Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient calledback to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page.  I tried it again,and the same thing happened."

"How did you load the sheet?"

"It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it byaccident. So I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it."

    I recently saw a distraught young lady weepingbeside her car.  "Do you need some help?" I asked.

"I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker.  Now Ican't get into my car. Do you think that store wouldhave a battery for this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno.  Do you have an alarm, too?"I asked. 

"No, just this remote,'"she answered, handing it and thecar keys to me.  As I took the keys and manually unlocked the door, I said"Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries? It's a longwalk."

Tech Support: What does the screensay now?
Caller: It says 'Hit ENTER when ready.'
Tech Support: Well?
Caller: How do I know when it's ready?

    A man moved to New Mexico and called his creditcompany to change his address. When he told the girl where he was moving, she told him that she couldn't help him since they didn't issue cards outside of the United States!

    My friend called his car insurance company totell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont.  The woman who took the callasked where Vermont was.  As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said,"Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

Several years ago, we had an intern who was nonetoo swift. One day, he was typing and turned to a secretary.

"I'm almost outof typing paper. What do I do?"

"Just use copier machine paper," shetold him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it onthe photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies

    One of our servers crashed.  I was watchingour new system administrator trying to restore it.  He inserted a CD and needed totype a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused,asking me "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and hesaid,"You know,  that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark."I replied,"You mean the letter "i"?" and he said,"Yeah, that'sit!"

    I was in a car dealership a while ago when alarge motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need ofrepair and the whole thing generally looked like it had been an extra in"Twister."  I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruisecontrol, then went in back to make a sandwich.